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\\#105 A Date with a Warewolf;Liz: Arrrrrgh, Jessica is dead! Jessica: No, I’m not. Liz: You’re still alive! Everything’s OK! Luke: Errrr.... but somebody else is dead. Liz: Who cares? Jessica: Oh no, it’s Joy Singleton, the minor character the readers haven’t yet built up a rapport with. This is so upsetting. Liz: Her throat has been ripped out as if by a wild beast! -------------------------------- Emily: René, the guy staying in this boarding house who’s doing an internship at the French Embassy, already knows the twins, because they met in France. What a strange coincidence. Portia: Why are you telling us this when we clearly already know it? Emily: This is the part of the book where we make forced conversation designed to remind the readers what happened in the last book. Portia: Oh, right! Well, then, I’d better mention the fact that I’m an actress trying to make a name for myself outside my famous father’s shadow. Lina: And I’ll continue to seem shifty and make mysterious comments that obviously don’t fit with my persona as a working-class girl from Liverpool, so that nobody guesses I’m actually a princess in hiding. Emily: Then we can round it off with some gratuitous praise for the Wakefields, because they haven’t been mentioned for a while! -------------------------------- Robert: Right, people, there’s been a violent murder, but we can’t possibly miss morning tea. Jessica: Oh look, it’s raining again. Police constable: I’m a police constable, which is the lowest rank of the police force, but obviously I’m the right person to lead this very serious murder investigation. So, you’re from a village in California? Jessica: A village? I can’t understand a word you’re saying! Why can’t you speak English properly, like us Americans? Constable: Young man, why were you prowling around after dark? Luke: I....errrr....was.....ummmm....finding it hard to sleep. Yes. That’ll do. Constable: Well, you’ve convinced me! Liz: Those two servants over there look shifty and nervous. I wonder why? I’ll interrogate them later and then tell Luke what I know. On an unrelated note, I see Luke is glaring angrily at Lord Pembroke again. Awww, he’s such a shy, romantic poet. ------------------------------- Liz: Jessica and Robert are having dinner in Windsor, which has apparently been relocated so that it’s in Cambridge, and Luke is fantasising about werewolves in his room. So I’ll take this opportunity to snoop around the murder scene and perhaps destroy some forensic evidence. Look! Some green threads and some animal fur! I’d better take this valuable evidence with me, instead of handing it over to the police. ------------------------------- Liz: See what I found at the murder scene! Luke: This animal fur proves that a werewolf is the murderer! There was a full moon and wolfsbane was blooming and everything. There’s no other explanation. Liz: Usually I’m too sensible to believe in this nonsense, but all this English fog has addled my brain. And why is that dog snarling at you? ------------------------------- Liz: Oh no, Lina, I accidentally told Luke that you’re Princess Eliana. But don’t worry, we can all trust him. Lina: I really hate being royalty and having palaces and lots of money and stuff. Life in America is so much better. Jessica: Guess what??? I’ve met somebody else I’m even more in love with than Sam! And he taught me the word narg, which apparently English people use all the time. Liz: I think you should stay away from Robert. You only met him a week ago and you’re a terrible judge of character. Plus he tied his cravat neatly after a murder had taken place. Lina: Did I mention that there’s a deep, dark scandal that happened in the Pembroke family seventeen years ago? Liz: I wonder if those two things could be connected somehow! ------------------------------- Liz: I’m going to spend my free time tracking down the werewolf. Jessica: Liz, you’re such a narg. Tony: Such a narg? What does that mean?? By the way, I want you to investigate the story of a guy who got hit on the head by a flying kitchen sink with many hilarious consequences. ------------------------------- Liz: I think the murderer may be a werewolf. Luke has persuaded me that they exist. Rene: Uh, he sounds like a crackpot. Liz: No, he’s just sensitive and romantic. ------------------------------- Lord Pembroke: I’ll just spend my morning sitting here talking to myself. I found this cigarette case at the murder scene that belongs to my son, Robert. Now I’ll make some cryptic comments about Luke staring at me in an accusing way. Then I’ll remind everyone of the family scandal that took place seventeen years ago. Just in case you’d all forgotten. This monologue will really keep the readers guessing. Liz: I’m going to poke around the Pembrokes’ house. Oh my goodness, one of those servants who saw the killer lurking in the corridor has been brutally murdered! Her throat has been ripped out, as if by a wild beast! Why hasn’t anybody put a sheet over her to save people the traumatic sight of her mutilated body? Lord Pembroke: Keep this on the QT. I’d prefer people not to know that there’s a crazed serial killer on the loose. It might damage my reputation. ------------------------------- David: I like helping poor people. Lina: Wow, David, you’re so amazing. I was at the opening of this soup kitchen, in my official capacity as Princess Eliana. David: What did you say? Lina: Ooops! Nothing, just a slip of the tongue! David: I want to work as a doctor specialising in poor people’s illnesses. Which, as we all know, are completely different from rich people’s illnesses. I would open up a medical centre for poor people if I had lots of money – like, for example, the million pound reward for finding Princess Eliana. Lina: I will make a mental note of this information for future reference. ------------------------------- Liz: I wonder who the murderer can be? The only people who knew that that servant was a witness were Luke and me, but obviously neither of us did it. Oh my goodness, Robert’s bathrobe is the same colour as these threads I found at the murder scene! He must be a werewolf! Nothing else could possibly explain this! ------------------------------- Jessica: I’m going to Stonehenge with Robert tomorrow. We’re going to be all alone by ourselves in the countryside all day, with nobody to hear me scream. Luke: I don’t think you should go with him. Something bad might happen. I hate the Pembroke family with a passion that burns deeply in my soul. Jessica: Jeez, isn’t that kind of out of proportion? ------------------------------- Liz: Hmmm, I seem to have stumbled into a secret werewolf den in Lord Pembroke’s study. He must be a werewolf fanatic. Now where have I heard that before? Oh, here are some love letters from a mysterious woman called Annabelle. Lord Pembroke had an affair with her seventeen years ago. Now why does that sound familiar? ------------------------------- Robert: Gotta go into hiding. Police think I’m a werewolf. Bye. Jessica: Well, there’s only one appropriate response to this. I’m going to go shopping. Hmmm, that’s strange, despite the fact that the Tube is usually so full that it’s impossible to avoid having your face in somebody else’s armpit, this station is completely deserted. Arrrgh! A guy in a wolf mask is breathing heavily in my ear! ------------------------------- Lina: What if David falls out of love with me when he finds out that I’m royalty and own many palaces? Portia: Isn’t anybody interested in my storyline?! Lina: Who are you?? ------------------------------- Liz: Oh, look, here comes Luke. Now wherever can he have been all afternoon? Luke: It has to be Robert who attacked Jessica in the tube station. I mean, there are only like 10 million people living in London. Who else can it have been? ------------------------------- David: Now that you’ve taken your glasses off, I’ve suddenly noticed that you’re Princess Eliana! Lina: Jeez, you’ve got to be the most stupid person ever not to notice my fake Liverpudlian accent before now. David: Well, it’ll be tough, but I suppose I’ll learn to cope with you being a princess and rolling in money. Liz: Wow, what an almost unrealistically perfect situation. David can turn Lina in, which will stop Lord Pembroke covering up the werewolf, and then he’ll get the million pound reward and can do good deeds in the community. Isn’t it nice when things wrap up neatly like this? Chief of police: How come the entire police force of London couldn’t find the princess, but these two random teenagers managed it? Oh, by the way, we think Robert Pembroke is a murderer. Jessica: I’m telling you, he didn’t do it! It’s just too obvious! Oh, look at that old hobo over there. I wonder if this seemingly random character will be significant in the next book...? |
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