\\Elizabeth Wakefield;

Janitor Two: Welcome to our first of many periodic conversations. Tonight's topic is Elizabeth Wakefield. Does anyone have any opening comments?

Janitor Three: She's a bitch! And a stupid one, too!

Janitor Four: Nuh-huh! I like her! Hehe!

Janitor One: Why?

Janitor Four: She's cool! She's got Todd and he's hot!

Janitor Two: She's not with Todd any more.

Janitor One: She's moved on to bigger and better things.

Janitor Three: Conner doesn't have a big thing!

Janitor Four: How would you know?

Janitor Two: We're getting off the subject. Please, let's focus on the topic. To begin with, how do you feel about her new attitude about her responsibilities?

Janitor Three: She's a bitch!

Janitor One: She has been neglecting her responsibilities. I think her and Jessica's personalities have meshed, now they're clones of each other.

Janitor Four: I think she's cool. She has responsibilities! Hehe!

Janitor Two: I think she has finally come to terms with the fact that she envies her sister and has done something to move towards her personal idea of perfection. A healthy move? I doubt it. But she has been repressing these feelings since book seven of her junior year. It may not be the best time or the best way, but at least she isn't bottling up her true feelings.

Janitor Four: I think she's cool. She isn't in a bottle. Not like stupid Michelle.

Janitor Two: I agree.

Janitor Three: She's a bitch too.

Janitor One: I thought we were talking about Liz.

Janitor Four: We were.

Janitor One: No, we weren't.

Janitor Four: We weren't?

Janitor Three: You guys are stupid.

Janitor Two: We were talking about Liz, but are now off the subject. I suggest we get back on the subject. That is, if no body objects.

Janitor Three: I don't give a damn.

Janitor Two: Good. Now, why don't we talk about her new sense of fashion.

Janitor One: Did you see what she was wearing on the cover of book one?!

Janitor Two: (sadly) Yes.

Janitor Four: I think she looks cool! I have a shirt just like that! I'm even going to die my hair blond- just like Liz's!

Janitor One: Your hair's already blond.

Janitor Four: I know, but it's a straw blond. Liz is more of a perky honey color! Hehe!

Janitor Three: You're really stupid. (hits Janitor Four with a bloody stick)

Janitor Four: Hey! That hurt!

Janitor Two: You mean you don't want to get hit repeatedly in the head with a bloody stick?

Janitor Four: NO!!!!!

Janitor Two: Why? That's how Liz got to be so... special. Her parents--smart things that they were--hit her all the time. Some might call it child abuse, but I call it exellent business planning. Do you think they'd make as much money if they had two *smart* daughters?

Janitor Four: No?

Janitor Three: This is a really sad conversation. You guys suck.

Janitor Four: Does Liz?!

Janitor One: Yeah.

Janitor Four: Then I do too!

Janitor One: Do you suck more than Liz?

Janitor Four: Suck what?

Janitor One: It doesn't matter how much you suck; it matters what you suck on.

Janitor Two: That was very inspirational.

Janitor One: Thank you.

Janitor Three: Fuck you.

Janitor Four: Why?

Janitor Two: While this is all very interesting, I was only wondering what this had to do with Elizabeth Wakefield?

Janitor Three: Nothing.

Janitor Two: Then let us try some other topic seeing where as you do not like this one--

Janitor Four: We don't get to talk about Liz any more?! (pouts)

Janitor Two: Yes, we do. Just a different aspect of her.

Janitor Four: I don't want to talk about her ass!

Janitor Three: I bet you would.

Janitor Two: Her boyfriends! Let's choose a relatively safe subject, and talk about her boyfriends. Does anyone notice any trends in her relationships?

Janitor Three: She keeps ending up with fags?

Janitor One: She screws herself over in every one?

Janitor Four: Todd is not a fag!

Janitor One: What would you call him?

Janitor Four: He's a very talented basketball player!

Janitor Two: He doesn't play basketball any more.

Janitor Four: He doesn't?

Janitor Two: He plays football now.

Janitor One: Have you even been reading the new books?

Janitor Four: No. People kept dying and it made me sad!

Janitor Three: You suck. You all suck.

Janitor Four: That isn't nice.

Janitor Three: No shit.

Janitor Two: Okay, we've about worn out Todd. How about a discussion of Conner?

Janitor One: What about all the guys that happened during Todd's reign? We can't forget affairs, even if Todd can.

Janitor Four: Do you mean Devon?

Janitor Three: Devon's a fag. He sucks.

Janitor One: And don't forget Luke from the thing with the werewolves.

Janitor Three: Luke was a fag too.

Janitor One: No he wasn't. He just thought he was a werewolf. Any way, there's also Prince Laurent, Jeffrey, Ken, Bruce, Sam, Aaron, Joey--

Janitor Four: So she cheated on him a FEW times! She's still cool! She's just fickle.

Janitor One: Like a fickle pickle?

Janitor Three: Like a fickle pickle popsicle?

Janitor One: Like a sticky trickle from a fickle pickle popsicle?

Janitor Three: Like to tickle the sticky trickle from a fickle pickle popsicle?

Janitor One: Like a sickle to tickle the sticky trickle from a fickle pickle popsicle?

Janitor Three: Like a nickle to pay for the sickle to tickle the sticky trickle from a fickle pickle popsicle?

Janitor Four: You know, this is starting to sound like Dr. Suess! I love The Foot Book!

Janitor Three: Your feet suck. They smell.

Janitor Two: Personally, I think she's acting out in a very Freudian manner. She replaces the chronic absence of her parents and older, more responsibile sibling with the desire for sex while not actually engaging in the act. This is due to her slightly held belief that her parents' affections could still be won with goodness and virtue. However, in the current books we have seen an acting-out of sexual and social energy which has, until recently, been strictly repressed. The reason for this change, presumably, is her final realization- through her mother's crass behavior and insensitivity to the Conner situation--that never will her parents, nor anyone of any worth, care for her.

Janitor Three: That's because she sucks.

Janitor Two: Therefore, she has engaged in these hurtful, monotonous relationships as a way of expressing her long repressed feelings in an atmosphere that her neglectful parents will never be aware of; thus accomplishing her goal of maintaining virtue in their eyes while also giving way to her sexual needs.

Janitor Four: What?

Janitor Three: Janitor Four sucks.

Janitor Four: I do not!

Janitor One: I thought you said you did.

Janitor Four: Only if Liz does!

Janitor Two: (loudly, over the bittering of her companions) Thank you all for joining us tonight. I hope you enjoyed your stay and gain some bit of enlightenment from our unique, if some what askew, perspectives.